Frankly Existential

I’ve had a rough 2025 so far. I won’t go into detail, but it’s been a slew of unfortunate events. As much as all of it sucks, I don’t have a right to complain. They were primarily a result of my own actions and choices. The only person who can truly hurt you is yourself.

“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been.” – Marcus Aurelius

Regardless, I do feel an amount of pain from these events. Since, I have felt lonely, depressed, insufficient, and insignificant. I feel these because I have allowed myself to. Nobody told me to feel this way, nobody led me here. I have dug my own grave and laid myself inside it, burying myself with these emotions. I still struggle to push forward, I am drawn back by these demons daily.

Negative Thought Patterns

Getting caught in this loop is a choice. I have made this choice for myself, because I thought self pity was more appropriate than joy. I thought I deserved to be torn down regardless of how much I was built up before. I became isolated and withdrawn. I told myself I never deserved the good things I had anyway, so it’s only fair for them to be taken from me.

I placed myself in a spiral of these negative thoughts, obsessing over each choice I made, how I should have done things differently, and the constant cycle of blame I continue to place on myself. I struggle to make peace with some of what has happened. When I’m not blaming myself, I’m blaming the world. I tell myself it’s not fair and I did nothing to deserve this. I find this to be incredibly immature on my part. I have no reason to place my choices on the will of others, even if they made a choice in response, it began from my own act. I’ve since come to believe the world may not be a just place. Is this ignorant? Is my own capacity for rational thinking clouded by an ego defense that I’ve developed? Who can say? There’s also a chance that my thinking is not clouded, and these events have given me more clarity than I’ve had before.

I try to think of myself as a good person. It pains me that bad things happen to good people, perhaps my own desire to be met with good things taints my perceived goodness of my character. I think I’ve spent my life searching for good: good people, good friends, good partners, good ideas, good food. I’ve found these countless times. I know that good exists because for plenty of time, especially recently, I’ve been surrounded by it.

Meaning and Good

When I say good, I don’t simply mean doing well in serving their purpose, whatever that may be, but good natured. To paraphrase Immanuel Kant, the only thing that is good in itself is a good will. Good will, good intentions, are the only things that are inherently good. I’ve met so many people, made so many friends, and spent time with partners that I know to possess good will and good intentions. People who truly want the best for others, even those they disliked. Good people are easy to come by if you look in the right places. As I’m receiving my education in the mental health field, I’m surrounded by people that want nothing more than to help people excel in life, fitting with the Kantian moral good criteria of,

“Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means.” – Immanuel Kant

That is to say, these people I have met never use people solely for their own personal gain. They treat others in such a way that is beneficial to the other. This clear evidence of good’s existence in the world gives me hope. It necessitates meaning.

Meaning in Suffering

One of the works that has been greatly influential on my views is The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. Of course, the most well known quote comes from the very end of the book, being,

“The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” – Albert Camus

The profundity of this statement is infinite. The struggle we endure to reach the top, a greater end, itself is valuable. Victory is nothing if it is easy. Joy is nothing without sorrow. The heights of happiness and depths of sadness mean nothing without the other. If only one exists, there is nothing to achieve. Our pursuit of happiness will always be accompanied by pain. If everyone was always happy, it would lose what makes it desirable, we would know nothing else. If happiness is the constant, there’s nothing special about it, it isn’t something worth chasing because the chase is unnecessary. Though we don’t want to accept this, people naturally seek out suffering because we know what it leads to when we pass it. If nothing tangible, in the end we grow stronger. That in itself is a reward. I’m grateful for my pain because I know I will grow from it. Something better is yet to come.

Meaning in Games

When we play games, we experience something similar. Though the term suffering may seem a little extreme, we struggle nonetheless. We aim for the top, we compete, we’re pitted against our opponents in something resembling a battle, or maybe a real battle depending on the game. We enjoy the game while in the middle of playing it, far before we potentially win. The battle itself brings meaning, it brings joy. The struggle for that win is truly enough to fill one’s heart. Even in loss, one cannot deny the joy of playing.

Games are healing. They bring us together. They make competition a joyful experience rather than malicious, when played fairly. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the phrase “life is a game.” I would disagree with this statement, instead I think life is a collection of games. Different environments have different rules and objectives. Those games are played simultaneously and that is what life is. Not everyone plays these games to “win” necessarily, but in an effort to achieve something at the end of it. Some go into games believing they will lose, but choose to participate anyway. There is undoubtedly meaning in playing these games.

That’s what I have come to realize. Joy is not found in victory, pain is not found in defeat. Joy and pain are the result of how we analyze our performance in playing life’s games. Defeat and pain are no reason to stop playing. We may take a break from a game after a poor performance, but we owe it to ourselves to play again, and that is what I am trying to do. Just the possibility of even the smallest victory is motivating and a testament to our strength and perserverence. Moving forward I think we should all remind ourselves of one thing: “In spite of my sadness, I play.”