Frankly Existential

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Luke 6:37

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18:21-22

These two excerpts from the Bible are some of my favorites. Being a forgiving person is a lot of hard work. When we think back to those that have wronged us and sinned against us, we often look back with anger and resentment. We’ll ask ourselves things such as, “How could they do that to me?” or “What did I do to deserve that?” It’s pretty likely that we did not deserve to be treated in such a way, when we think of our worst memory it’s hard for us to justify treating anybody that way.

We must look at this from the opposite perspective. What have we done to someone else that was undeserved and unjustifiable? We’ve all done it, and it takes a great amount of ego to think we never have. Think back to a time where you have done that to someone, and ask the same questions. “How could I do that to them?” “What did they do to deserve that?” Now the purpose of this post is not to make you feel guilty for the things you have done, but it is important to first show that we have indeed done them. So what comes after that? Do we want to be hated or respected? If we believe we are deserving of better treatment, then why would we not give that to others?

After interacting with so many different kinds of people, I notice we collectively tend to be an arrogant, self-centered bunch. We want to receive the best treatment while not giving others the same. So, we act in this way, that we make ourselves our greatest priority, which holds us back from giving others the treatment and care they deserve. Sometimes, some of us begin to embrace a little humility, we realize we did wrong and hurt those who did not deserve it, and from then on we wish to be forgiven. Simultaneously, we still hold resentment in our hearts for those that have hurt us, and we struggle or outright refuse to forgive them. In this sense we still lack humility, we expect others to do for us which we will not do for them.

How dare we ask to be forgiven when we refuse to forgive? We once again become controlled by our egos trying to lay claim to a higher level of treatment than others. We retaliate when we are wronged and call it justice. If your friend hits you, and you respond by hitting them back, you did not present justice, you did not get even, but you put your friend beneath you, demonstrating you believe he deserves to be hit while you do not. Now your relationship is tainted. While not irreparable, it has been damaged, and you are just as responsible as your friend. Had we not just forgiven them outright, wouldn’t the circumstances be better? If you had struck first, would you rather be forgiven or hit in return? We claim to seek forgiveness and have no intention of giving it ourselves. If you wish to be forgiven by others, you must be willing to forgive them yourself. And not just willing, but you must do it. Forgive those who sin against you so that they may forgive you for sinning against them. Aim for peace, not justice. Aim for mercy, not conflict. Aim for love, not hate.

As I am writing this, I’m remembering a story one of my graduate professors shared with us. He told us about when he was younger, the kind of person he was. He did not give details but boiled it down to saying he did not always treat people the best and was not always the kindest. He was tired of living with that regret. One day, he called an old girlfriend from many, many years ago and apologized for how he had treated her. He did not apologize specifically for forgiveness, but received it anyway. The point of this story is simply that apologies and forgiveness have no expiration dates. It is never too late to apologize, and never too late to offer forgiveness.

Do not think that because I am writing this I believe I have mastered the art of forgiveness. I have many people I struggle to forgive for various reasons, some that may not even need to be forgiven but rather I just need to accept. I’ve been angry and resentful and judgmental, I’m certainly no saint. However, I am working hard to be a more forgiving and loving person. I hope this post inspires you to do the same. Go forward and forgive those who have wronged you, and seek the forgiveness of those you have wronged. Take care, and God bless.